Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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