sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
