You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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