the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
