i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
