he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We are two peas in an std pod
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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