I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We're too hungover to prance.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
