The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
