FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
