I'm eating all of the evidence.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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