apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
even my farts smell like vagina
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
