peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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