That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
