Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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