I'm jealous of your bromance
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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