The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
being pregnant is like rehab
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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