I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
