y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
