If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
