i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
