So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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