im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
