I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
