I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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