the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
