onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
