it's not cheating when I paid for it
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
