The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
