I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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