you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
