I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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