I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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