if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
