this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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