i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
