I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
