I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
