Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
