i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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