tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
