Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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