I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
