my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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