My hand turned me down
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
