New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
