SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
