he shaved USA in his pubs
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
