I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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