Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
