Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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