i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
