I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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